you know, i've been hoping and waiting and praying and wishing for so many years, but somehow that has not materialized. i'm confused, stumped and frustrated. i mean, the answer can only be a yes or a no, but i don't have the courage to ask the question. yes not the question but THAT question. the one which would put everything to rest, the one that would put me out of this. i just wanted to scream this afternoon on the train. it was that bad. i apologize from the depths of my bowels if i'm sounding incoherent. i've never been very eloquent on the issue anyway, which could be one of the reasons why it's not turning out well.