Phantoms And Dreams

i was going through my facebook profile just now, and i re-read the quote which i put up last year after watching the fantastic royal shakespeare company performance at the esplanade:

"I know now, I understand at last, Konstantin, that for us, whether we write or act, it is not the honour and glory of which I have dreamt that is important, it is the strength to endure. One must know how to bear one's cross, and one must have faith. I believe, and so do not suffer so much, and when I think of my calling I do not fear life."

this line is uttered by nina in the one of the last scenes of anton chekhov's the seagull, when she at last reunites with her former lover treplieff. they both have spent years apart trying to carve out careers - and meaning, in their lives. this is treplieff's reply:

"You have found your way, you know where you are going, but I am still groping in a chaos of phantoms and dreams, not knowing whom and what end I am serving by it all. I do not believe in anything, and I do not know what my calling is."

soon after this he parts with nina, destroys his work and kills himself. it is a tragic ending indeed, and i can't help but think of it as i, more or less, begin my preparation for the final mb. i only have revision postings left after surgery sub-internship if you don't include my psych posting, so this is the last stretch to what i know, or think i know, my calling is. but what end am i serving by it all? last friday's dermatology end of posting test made me feel as if i was groping because nearly half of the test was made up of questions set at mrcp level. am i to berate myself for not knowing the finer points of dermatology? how is having almost half the batch getting lousy posting grades supposed help any of us be better doctors? sometimes i think that the end we serve is our grades, not our future patients and careers.

don't worry, mumbler is fine despite this very emo post. a serious discussion with classmates about the duke vs nus medical schools last night just got me thinking about various stuff. there is much to be done, to be said, to be thought, but in the end, it is the strength to endure that matters. so that i, like nina, can say,

"when I think of my calling I do not fear life."